i just need peace and quiet. this is my life..

2006-03-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

if you happen by any chance to visit here, let me tell you sumthing. you are my fren. and i just hope that your promises arent empty.

2006-03-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

peeps, iam offically opening my photography services to anyone. heee. iam looking for clients who wants to do a portfolio for themselves. a photography portfolio at a small price. there will be both studio shoot and outdoor shoot. one day each. The studio shoot wont be a profesional studio but more of a home make-up studio. dun worry, it will turn out great. iam offering myself at a price of $150 with designed album plus printing plus the arranging of the photos plus the photography. Price can still be negotiable. clothes will be all yours. Make up, depends. Iam new at this but i know that i can produce good pictures. i provide my portfolio for you guys to view if you are interested. so please pass this msg around. and if you guys are interested please contact me at fudgerina@gmail.com Hope to hear from you guys soon. Cheers.

2005-09-18T01:04:00.000+08:00

i know iam gone from this place. i have moved. but i iwll visit once in awhile. i know some ppl have been reading. so if u are one of them, this is for you.
i know you are online. and i have come to realize that we dun talk animore. we dun sms, we dun chat. we used to be closed. we were great frens. gosh i dun understand why? you said everyhing is allright. you said, theres no reason why you should reply to my msges. you said, iam paranoid. iam still waiting for your friendship. iam still waiting for us to be normal. maybe you found a better friend. maybe you know somehing i dont know. maybe i should be gone frome your world. maybe my world and yours dont match. but i dun bother. i don bloody care. it doesnt matter if you are rich, you are poor, you are some idiotic creature, some ugly idiot, some handsome chap, some clever human being, i dun care..i still want your friendship. we are all creations from up above. and i know you are keeping something from me. i just wish you could say. please. i miss you so....

2005-07-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

aku melihatmu terbujur kaku
sepi, tidak bergerak
nyawamu berhenti
jantungmu tidak berdegup

titisan airmataku mengalir
membasahi wajahku yang muram
aku meraung, aku menangis
tapi dirimu tetap kaku

berbulan ia berlalu
aku masih merinduimu
setiap malam aku tidur menangis
teringat kan mu, suaramu, wajahmu, kasih mu

aku pulang, tanpa sesiapa
tanpa teman bicara
didepan mereka semua
aku.......seorang pelakon

kau takkan kembali
dan aku akan selalu sepi
sendirian

2005-06-28T14:32:00.000+08:00

i have not been blogging for so many reasons. been busy with school and life. apparently not much of life but more to school things. last minute work is really such a pain. i know i hate doing last minute work. i have been having late nights till 3 to 4 am in the morning just to finish my work. darn. i think i be fine after wednesday. than no more assignments for me. yeahness. but editting is still on the top priority. have not been meeting other friends lately. but when to eat with zil and khai at tha park a few days back. some laughing and gossip session. for u guys information, zil and khai are guys from my secondary school days. gosh i am blurdy bored. bored not because i have nothing to do. i have so much things to do but dunnoelah. why. why. oh why is this happening to me. yeah you are coming back home after a year.

2005-06-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

i have no idea why. iam stuck on a idea for digital imaging. iam half sick. i havent start on any of my blurdy school werk. docu, digi, marketing, entre. i have seriously no mood to do anything. not even my reeditting for my studio project. shooting too. its getting on me. i have no idea how will i cope. i hate assignments. i hate datelines. i hate my life on school now. i hate chasing my frens to get the work done. i hate listening to lecturer telling me to do somehting again. i hate it when they say its cheapskate. you are being subjective. i know.

you are coming back soon.

2005-06-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

i like my life now. although tonnes are missing. but iam hating part of my life now. i have no reason why to it. i just hate it. the changes. its affecting me one way or another. my school life. my group mates. anyone even my frens. yes friends. for you my friend, u affected me one way or another. the fact is, we never talk. and my fren even have this thinking that u might not like my presence. tell me iam blurdy wrong. why are we frens in the first place? my lecturer told my class a few days back regarding friendster. just because u read the profile, and the profile says, "add me to ur msn, and we can become friends". and u did add him or her. and became friends by just adding to msn. wow. amazing. sick. iam sick. iam sick of this friendship that happen through friendster. if u are reading this. tell me iam wrong. tell me this friendship is not stupid. tell me iam not wrong having u as a friend. i can only say sorri.

2005-06-07T22:52:00.000+08:00

kita kawan tapi tak berbual. jarang bertemu. tapi diam mulut terkunci. aku hanya mengikut rentak mu. hati sedih. entah mengapa, aku hairan dengan sikap mu. mungkin memang itu adat. mungkin memang kita tidak ada apa untuk dibicarakan.. iya

2005-06-07T00:24:00.000+08:00

iam kinda tired nowadays. out to the beach on sunday for a shoot, helps alot. one thing for the exercise ard sentosa, the other, to let out some stress by the beach. everything came to my mind. and today, something came to my mind again. the thought, the feelings. i have always wondered what ppl really think of me. i have always why ppl dun see me for being serious. none of my grp members has seen me as a serious person. its just sick. do u guys know its sick. iam bothered with everything. iam being paranoid. i hate those laughter. i hate that look on your faces. i have no reason why i cant say anything to my fren when i meet him in school. and its been ages. urgh. thats more sick. oh yah, i met my frens during jubliation. let just say that it was fun. although it wasnt all. there was alot of juniors that i have never seen before.

forget about that. my life has been sick since ages. and lets just say that the word tired and sick is just in the dictionary now. n i still miss my mum so much. whats meant to be just meant to be. haiz.

2005-05-27T00:17:00.000+08:00

woohoooo.. i got wat i want. digital imaging is part of my module. damn i shldnt have put script and put altering instead. but wats done is done and cant be undone. such a waste. maybe i will take up multimedia or interactive media when i grad. just let see about that. its pretty far away. oh yah. .. lets see i have been spending countless times down at fypj lab. oh yeah we are suppose to have our one week rest. no hope on that. i have been not doing any photography lately. more like going out with frens and some snaps here and there. yeah, iam not been out with frens. the fact is, i cant wait for nxt saturday to come. to bring back the old memories. to play infront of that crowd once again. to hear the music that comes out of my tenor saxophone. beautiful. i must say, i pretty suck at it since i have not played it for like 2 year plus. And i thought i could play it but boi i was wrong. and boi iam tired of sch when sch have not even started... i wish this is for temporary.

i went out with sister potion love the other day. walking under the rain. smacking balloon on her face. getting my jeans drenched with rainwater. and my shoes too. talks. gossips. updates. company. i love the photography at HELLO GIRLFREN exhibition. colourful, expression, beautiful..

2005-05-22T22:19:00.000+08:00

the simplest things in life. How do we achieve it? To stretch for it or wait for it to come? i have learnt alot by just keeping my mouth shut. and just listen. listen to what ppl say about u. listen to the laughters they create out of myself. listen to the stupid jokes they make out of me. just listen. and when i try to say things out, they ended up not understanding a single word. and when i try to fight for something, i ended up keeping shut with an angry tone in me just silent. they are my frens. they think its just a simple joke. a simple joke that i will just brush off. to you who reading this. everytime i keep myself shut and hear u laugh is when i had enough of everything. i admit my english is just horrible. and i couldnt express myself better. stop calling me names. i love you guys as frens. but too much is too much.

i miss the company of some. i havent really sit down and talk. just talk. be it online or reality wise. the only few ppl who i can really talk is just yeah m.i.a.... or just i dun want to bother u guys. or even i just dont know where to start. or maybe i havent really found someone who i could really share things. oh yeah just for information. to muslims out there. if u guys wanna find a soulmate/wife/husdband. get someone who is beragama. vice versa.

nabi pernah bersabda, perempuan itu dinikahi atas 4 sebab: kecantikannya, hartanya, agamanya, dan keturunannya. Maka pilih lah yang agama kerana degnan agama dia dapat menunjukkan kecantikanya samada zahir atau batin. Dengan agama juga dapat memberinya harta yang halal, dan dengan agama juga lah dapat memberikan zuriat dan keturunan yang baik dan taat kepada Allah... insyaallah. renungkanlah.

2005-05-19T01:36:00.000+08:00

a goodnyte. atleast a goodnyte or even a goodbye. issit so difficult to even say goodbye? it doesnt really matter to u and maybe it does matter to me. one more thing that i hate is when ppl who regard me as their good fren or best fren or even so called spl
dont reply to my sms when they claim that they miss me, or anything else. i miss going out with sister potion love. my life is a sickness now. temporary i hope.

2005-05-16T17:49:00.000+08:00

aku bangun dari tidur. melihat dunia sekeliling ku.
perubahan berlaku di depan mata. ingin aku berteriak. aku hilang
dalam kealpaan dunia ini.

suara ku tidak kedengaran. ingin ku memekik. ingin ku meluahkan rasa hati.
tapi suara ku hilang.

2005-05-10T22:42:00.001+08:00

if iam not given what i want. how on earth am i going to shine? dammit. i never even choose asian cinema. i choose digital imaging. for goodness sake. i hate this so much. i dunt remember putting scriptwriting as my prescribed elective and asian cinema. it wasnt my first few choices. i hate this decision make by them. what are they afraid that i cant do it? i know i cant do it in asian cinema. let me do some other stuff other than filming will u.,....

2005-05-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

2005-05-08T23:35:00.000+08:00

sadness on mother's day. no mum to celebrate it with. a mother accidentall fall off from her flat to her death. i make ustazah mariah shed a tear. it wasnt a nice day afterall i think.

2005-05-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

i love going out with sister potion love. i can just go out with her and talk nothing and still feel comfortable at the same time. i havent reach that state with any other ppl. maybe a few. i seriously dont know when iam heading. iam hanging in midair. i have an interest. its time i do some real good werk. its time ppl respect my ideas. and its time for me to have faith in my own self. i have notthing to loose if i try. god, iam getting sick of this life. i love this world, i love this job. and sometimes really i think i do gd werk and get peanuts for it. time and time i just think i dun fit in dfv. reallie. another year more to go to graduation.

i want to post a question here. "issit worth your wait or love for someone who doesnt love you?"

2005-04-28T16:22:00.000+08:00

i could smile and lie that everyting is alright. i could smile to you and tell you iam happy for you. i could smile and continue this friendship with keeping some things aside. rules are apply now that u are attach. i wouldnt even dare to go out with u. just the thought of chilling together with a person who has gf just totally unexplainable.. i dun think i will do that. hope for a better thing to happen.

aniwae things dont always go to your side. its a bit fucked up, when someone just took the photograph u took and used it for her own werk. and when u dun get credited, the feeling of anguish is there. issit so difficult to even to ask permission? was it ever difficult?iam totally sick. tired. why cant i have my holidays? not even a week. darn. third year's life is slowly eating me out.

2005-04-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

iam allergic to dust. my eyes itch terribly when come to contact with dust. iam allergic to you too, i think. i need a haircut badly but i dun wish to cut my hair. maybe just trim. i need to go shopping. i need my holidays back. i need my time back. i need adventure. i need to have fun now. i need my mum.

2005-04-23T20:35:00.000+08:00

aku ingin menganggap dirimu seperti teman biasa, mungkin kerana aku tidak ingin disakiti, tidak ingin mencemburui, tidak ingin kecewa. mungkin dirimu cukup sesuai untuk ku. mungkin jugak kau melengkapi cita rasa diriku. tetapi sayang dirimu sudah pun berpunya. mengapa payah sekali untuk mencintai dan dicintai. dimana dia, sang pria ku. dimana dia cinta sejati ku. ahhhh peduli sahaja. usia ku masih muda. masih separuh jagung. ku tidak perlukan seorang pacar. ku perlukan dirimu sebagai teman. sebagai seseorang untuk melengkapi hari ku. untuk ketawa bersama. untuk mengongsi pendapat. untuk bergila gila bersama. salahkah aku untuk meminta seorang kekasih. untuk mengongsi masa tua bersama. untuk melihat dan menangis bersama ketika ku menangis, kesedihan. untuk menjadi teman bicara, untuk berketawa riang dikala kegembiraan. menjadi bangga ketika aku mendapat kejayaan. untuk melihat ku tidur disisinya. untuk mendidik dan membawa aku menjadi seorang muslimah. untuk melihat anak anak membesar menjadi dewasa. dan walaupun ada terjadi, dia tetap bersama walaupun jauh atau dekat. bila akan ku menemui dirimu?

aku rindu akan persahabatan kita. dikala kita ketawa riang. di kala kita berbual, bergurau senda. di kala kita melupakan sengketa dan meleraikan segala kepahitan hidup. dimana dirumu teman? di saat ini, aku merindui mu. sudah lama kita tidak ketemu.

2005-04-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

iam down. iam sick. iam fucked up. iam dead. for the first time ever, this is the most sick feeling ever that i have felt after my mum's departure. not completing my studio project werk is sick. if i dont hand in by the time they have the screening. good luck to me sista. so good luck. and 3 hours of editting slot left tmrw. its last minute. its scary. its super fucked up. nothing could explain the feelings i have now other than the word.."fucked" iam being vulgar today. iam mentally prepared tommorow. but just looking at the faces of our lecturers. its too much to handle. for my producer to answer that question. its just sick for me. to sit on that chair doing editing while the rest are doing screening or waiting patiently for u to end ur job. its more sick. i went through that leg before. and i really dun wish it to happen again. i have no idea what happen to day. i thought i could finish on time. i thought i could chiow by 5. i thought i could enjoy the night slacking. and i thought i could just chill after 5. supposedly iam suppose to end my werk at 5. burn and gone home. so much of this. iam still in school, hopping for a free computer so that i can do my editting. i wish. till tomorow afternoon, iam fine. i hope things go my way. chiow

2005-04-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

i celebrated my dad's birthday today. we eat. we took pictures and the picture was missing of one person. my mum....i love her. i dunnoe whats in my dad's heart now. what's his feelings. its his birthday. and celebrated without his wife and my mum. its different, i know.

2005-04-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

time spent with nisa, khairil and farin was worth it. back to the old sch days. back to talking about all the stuff on school. we went back to yiss. to get tickets for the 4o year jubliation thingy. yeah meet up with teachers. and it was rad. ms rosnah... you rock lady. and u never seem to change. hehe. one teacher that i shall never forget for the rest of my life is her. because she rocks our world. she is this geog teacher who simply know how to move students' life and get them going. although it was a short meeting, it was a nice feeling. she even encourage us to get into relationship now rather than later in the years. i love her tonnes.

You know what.. khai and nisa wore the same color top from giordana and has the same kind of hairstyle. wtf right. but it was cool. time was then spent at holland village's coffee bean. but as the chill gets going, time moves faster as it seems and i want to go home. hehe.

i love nisa, i love khai. i love my yiss peeps. i love just talking to them about tonnes of stuff. from political to islamic to social stuff to your everyday things and especially relationship they have. its just something to amuse you when u found out some of ur frens got hooked up with some of ur frens. or some are still strong in the same relationship since secondary school. some are getting married. some are werking. some are on holidays. i really want to meet the yiss peeps. to laugh, to get updates and who hell knows u might find ur future partner.

iam having this sick feeling. and some stuff, its just not meant for sharing. i miss her so much. .. i wish i could cry. i wish i could just throw my heart against the wall. i wish time just turn back. i wish iam more ladylike. i wish life is more open. i wish i didnt change. changing? i dun wish to kill, i dun wish to leave. and i know i will never leave.

2005-04-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

time check for me. its 2251 hours. i just got home from watching movie with farina. and i am infront fo the computer alone at home. With a tv as a company. i got home way too early today. there was nothing to be done. other peeps were either busy with shooting, exams and studio project. and me, iam too busy but not for today i think. the movie with farina was a last minute thing.... and thank god u were free sister. i watch beauty shop. it should be called saloon instead. but it was all for laugh. i dont quite like how the shots were. but i totally forget to look how cinematography works and focuse on the story instead. basically, i dun think the conflict were high enough. and how it was solved, its different. too simple. but i love the story... cool script. cool ppl. yeah. and i miss days of going out with the old yiss chaps. i miss talking, gossiping and hell yeah hanging out in sch eating that mee soto with 5 spoonfull of chilli. woooohhhaahaa..

time check for me now.. 2300.. still alone.. chatting with farina. anything for me tommorow?
report to the studio at 11, and out to yiss in the afternoon if i manage to run from school. previous days were spent on filming..... been out with frens quite often now. and i basically know the reason behind it. but i need to chill instead going to town and bumping into ppl i dun wish to see. yah like wat "sister potion love" said---see no evil, hear no evil, talk no evil. if you were there sister, that wont happen... and i think i am still feeling sick from it.

2005-04-08T14:16:00.000+08:00

i think iam bore. so far life has been a bore. nutting much has happen in my life. just a few hiccups here and there. I got into trouble of finishing my editting on time. and the editted film turn out not what i really expected. dissapointed is the word.. period i think. now my main focuse shall be studio project. 3 weeks of so called exams. iam fully incharge of the sound and the editting. iam so looking for composers to give songs to my short film. i cant use any copyrighted songs out there for fear, they will be looking for us after that. We are students afterall, firstly we dont have money. i guess you guys shld know what does that mean.

life for me right now is just simple. i have changed a bit. here and there to adjust tothe surrounding. and iam getting used to being home alone half the time. my close frens still ask me how am i doing. the only answer i could say is, "yeah iam fine..shld be" yeah the truft is iam fine. its a fresh new start for me. i would be lying if i say i dun miss her. somehow, i hate who iam now. i hate what i have become. i really do.

and i hope both of you are fine. u knoe who iam talking about. name are disclosed here for privacy matters. i have been in that situation before. and i really know how the feeling is. the pain, the anger, the loneliness, the fear. it all turns black. and i hope everything will be fine dearly. i wish you guys the best of luck. have faith yeah. and n take care.. we are all for you. i love you guys tonnes.

2005-04-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

time pass as fast as it seems. without knowledge of the people around it. and some fall for its prey. becoming the victim of the fast moving society. the life of a dmd. dun misjudge us for what u see. we may be the people u see in school. Mad, insane, loud, no exams. yah the usual stuff. but u see, we are tired people. time for us are too precious. the only thing that i have been doing is editting, graphics for my film, and doing paperwork. and i miss having class time, watching movie in class. Eating the mac food in class. oh yah remember the studio project we had? gosh soon, there will be no longer the same atmosphere ever again. everyone will be going for attachment, final year project and different modules. and the place we used to bunk will no longer be there. we will be all moving.

since my project started, i have been different. iam getting more sick feeling. the lat studio project, i had my mum as a soul conferter. someone who would stay up late with me while iam doing my werk. someone who will ask how iam doing. someone to be there. and now, my mum is no longer around. its different. somehow i used to think about my mum if i have stuff to be done in school. since she is alone at home, i wont be home so late. but that no longer applies. i no longer bother even. i miss those call made from my mum. i miss calling home asking my mum what she wants to buy. i miss calling home just to hear my mum voice. its getting different everyday. iam holding on strong. and sumtimes again. i am wish my mum is still alive. i have no reasong for saying all this. i know i have been repeating this tonnes of times. and i know i will never forget her.

i miss talking to you. i found out you have a gf. i dunnow shld i be happy or be sad. but the best is to be happy for you. i will see you when i see you. and i saw you just now. and i think i shld have say more.

2005-03-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

di saat saat ini, aku hanya perlukan dirimu
untuk terus memberikan aku semangat. aku tidak ingin kecundang, aku tidak ingin kecewa.
teman, di mana mu bila ku perlukan? di kala aku ketiaadaan ibu. kau menjadi tiang ku tuk aku terus berdiri. aku kian berdikari tanpa kewujudanmu. dan aku tidak ingin persahabatan kita hanyut di lautan. jika persahabatan ini tiada ertinya dalam hidup mu, biarkan sahaja aku sendiri.

2005-03-20T23:06:00.000+08:00

the last time my mum hugged me and it was caught on camera was the day i left for thailand for 3 freaking weeks. and i took a look at that footage. to see my mum alive, hugging me and smiling at me. i thought i was strong. tears rolled down the cheeks and i squatted down in comfort of my frens around. that was the first time i broke down in class infront of my frens. i wish i could wake up in a dream. i wish i could wake up with my mum with me. but all i could do is waking up in reality. waking up with a house half empty. Her side of her bed untouched.
time passes without notice. its been more than a month without her.

i have been spending times with my sista potion love, nana. thats nice. and with my poly peeps. some kekek session to chill down those stress. my life has been equip with filming and editting. iam so dead. and i so sick and tired of ppl making used of some ppl around. please grow up. stop making assumptions and please have a brain of your own and think of others around u. stop being sellfish.

i wan to spend more time on the beach. lying down on sand, looking up at the sky. counting fluffy clouds and the birds that pass by. to relak and see the sea brushing against the walls of the rock. just to sit around and talk about life. to talk about the kids nowadays. to just look at happy family having the time of their life. i miss those days when there is no worries. and when there is no stress. and when my family was complete. it is complete now but a little different.

-------aku pulang tanpa dirimu. ingin ku beritahu mu betapa rindu dalam diri ini untuk dirimu di sana.
setiap malam airmata mengalir, kerinduan suara dan kehadiranmu. tiada suaramu, tiada hadirmu, hilangnya seri, ketawa dalam hidup ini.-------------

2005-03-14T23:21:00.000+08:00

Yeahness. hip hip hooray i finish my shoot for my short story today. hail to the actors and the crew members who have make the shoot possible. actually iam still not done yet with the editting. gosh. thats where the tough part comes together.

n please someone get me a cook. criteria: a muslim person who knows how to cook malay dishes that are so delicious and almost like my mum's cooking. I shld have learnt how to cook from her. sadness. its been along time since i ate real food.

iam neglecting my life totally. and i am always waking up late although there are tonnes of alarm clock ringing when the time comes. i have no reason to it. i might find it one day and realize that iam changing to a different person.

2005-03-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

kadang kala aku terfikir bagaimana akan berubahnya hidup ini tanpa orang yang paling kita sayang. adakah kita sebagai manusia, akan meneruskan hidup seharian dengan biasa atau perubahan akan berlaku? setiap hari, aku pulang dengan harapan. tapi semuanya hanya sebuah ilusi. ini lah kenyataan, kehidupan yang sebenarnya. permulaan sebuah kehidupan adalah kelahiran. dan akhirnya kehidupan adalah kematian. dan semua ini adalah takdir allah. ajal maut, jodoh dah pertemuan adalah ketentuannya.

semakin hari, semakin perasaan takut membelungi jiwa raga ku. aku semakin tidak mengenali diri ini. masa depan ku kian kabur. aku takut kalau aku berubah suatu hari. arghhh nggak bisa sih. guwe nggak mahu jadi anak liaran. guwe ingin jadi anak bangsa jati singapura. membanggakan ibu dan keluarga guwe sih. wahdu wahdu...

okie back to reality.. aku rindu. rindu pada masakan ibuku, rindu dengan kehadirannya. kalau sesiapa yang pandai masak lemak cili padi atau mee soto.. tolong masak untuk aku... hehe just kidding.

- aku rindu. rindu pada kehadiran mu. pada kasih sayang mu. pada saat saat kita sering bersama. tiada lagi masa riadah untuk mu dan aku. tiada lagi masa shopping bersama. tiada lagi masa menonton tv bersama. tiada lagi masa untuk ku mencium me setiap kali ku tidur dan keluar ke sekolah. tiada lagi leteran mu. tiada lagi deringan telefon dari mu.. tiada lagi wujud mu dalam hidup ini... aku rindu pada mu. i miss u tonnes.. tiada kata.. tiada bicara.. tiada tutur yang dapat meluahkan isi hati ini. aku ingin pulang dengan mu di pintu menunggu kepulangan aku. tapi semua ini sudah suratan takdir. insyallah akan ku menjujung nama mu. i shall make u proud. i love you so much.

2005-03-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

iam in pain. my back is aching. i couldnt bend down neither could i sit down. i can sit down lah after much force. and i am tired.

2005-03-01T22:59:00.000+08:00

saddened. if onli i could turn back the time. that i couldnt. i know. i went out shooting at my bro's place yesterday which turn out pretty well. thanks to all my actors and crew. but my shoot is not finish. arghhhh. someone help me. nvm i have faith in my crew. yes i have trust in all of you. iam sorri if i push the times so much that cause so much trouble for both me and you guys. now i realised that i have been putting too much drama in my werk. the last studio project was a drama and this time round, it happen to be one too.. i think. but i love drama i think. it just add to the effect. jiwang and slightly romantic. i have no idea why iam saying this things. my dad send all of them home. apparently not all. only sab and my actors. then while shooting around 12 at nigt. somehting came to my mind. my mum always bug me on the phone once i hit 11 pm. and she keep bugging me to hurry things up. then she will ask tonnes of question. my dad say that too. my dad say that if she were to know that he brought me along to wash his car all that, i bet my mum will scream like hell. and i didnt manage to show her my first shoot as a director. a script i written which was an idea i got from her life. She told me once. "Kau buat lah cerite pasal dialysis. biar orang tahu.." "kau buat lah cerite pasal mak. macammana mak gi dialyis. lepas tu balik semua" gosh...... thanks to my mum i came up with this script. though it didnt focus on kidney failure. but all thanks to her.

iam getting used with her not at home. sometimes i fell quite lonely. thank god iam away from home for quite somtimes busy with filming. she didnt get to see my first script produced. she didnt get to see my first tv mobile showcase. she didnt get to see me receive awards. she didnt get to see me get married. she no longer get to nag at me.. pissed of at me. happy at me... shopping with me. actually its all me. i no longer got the chance to show her the rest of my life.

reality check. i have to finish my shoot and the rest of my team mate shoot. i have a documentary to finish. i have an editing of siemens comp to do. i have to chill. i have to relak.. i think thats all for now. iam trying to chill.

2005-02-26T01:55:00.000+08:00

school was sick today. iam sick today. i was awake from 830 till now. i came back around 11. after almost 11 hours in school. thats total radical for some. its unethical. why on earth am i stuck in school for almost 11 hours in school on a friday night? i have assignments to be hand it. and god.. i am so dead right now. things happen in school that cause me to panick a while. I was screaming my heads off. And suddenly a thought of smoking came to my mind. peeps say smoke looses the stress in them. that aint true.. totally. i dun smoke and i will never smoke. oh yah.. iam kinda sick. With my shooiting of my short story. iam so dead. i dunnow how i wll do it. i stil have tonnes to do. for example storyboard, shortlist. and stuff. yeah. i think iam going to sleep for now. iam gettting irritated by seeing infront of the computer for long hours. from looking at 3d max.. to editing my script to 3d max again.. and then script again. and now blog. iam going off for now. nite ppl.

i miss you.

2005-02-24T23:27:00.000+08:00

a close neighbour of mine, who happen to be my mum's relative, passed away this morning. it was 10 days after my mum's departure. And their graves are located so near to each other. Neighbours when alive, neighbours too now. it was quite sudden. I am speechless. Somehow everyhthing come back to me. I miss my mum cooking. I ate my sis' lemak cili padi. And it doesnt remind me anything at all of my mum lemak cili padi which i love so much. Gosh. Please wake me up. I have been strong. I dun think much of my mum when i am out in school. Something touches my heart while i was in the train to school yesterday. A mom and her daughter who is about my age. Somehow it reminds me how i use to go out with my mum when she was still around. How we go shopping when i have no school. Now, no more shopping spree with my mum. No more of her cook food. Gosh iam repeatng this tonnes of time. everyone say that i can count on them. Everyone say that just give them a call or ask them for help if i need them. Everyone say that they are there for me. But them cant replace my mum. Nutting could.

Looking at the time that past so fast. i wonder how life would be without you later in the years. I wonder if i wil forget you one day. i hope i wont cause i love you so much, so dearly...I missed you so much. ANd i know you know that u are missed by all of us tonnes. One day we shall meet. i promise you that i will work hard. my frens tell me i shld make you proud. i shall do that very much. and i hope i wont dissapoint you. i still sleep in ur room, on ur pillow which still has ur smell. and ur memory will never be dismissed from this life. insyaallah.

2005-02-18T22:19:00.000+08:00

its been 5 days. and it has been different. i wake up in the morning, not to find my mum at her bed. or drinks at the kitchen for me. i go to school and not finding my mum waiting for me at the door saying her goodbyes to me. i wake up in the morning, to find everyhting changed. how quiet it is, how i missed her so much. the things she used to do, is no longer done. and the routine just changed totally. iam getting used without her, though i miss her tonnes. nutting could bring her back. my dad, he is my mum and dad now. and he has changed too. the way he talk, the way he addresses things, the way he trying to pull everyhting together.

i have never thought this day would come. if i know she was going, i would have tell her tonnes. how i love her so much, and how iam gonna miss her so. i am having a headache now. and i use to remember how i come to her room, and lie next to her hoping she will put her hands on my head and massage it. I used to remember how she accidentally let some ointment into my eyes and i had to scream in pain.. and she laughing and saying sorry at the same time. iam sure going to miss her cooking. she didnt cook for the past 2 weeks of her last days. gosh, i dunnow how mothers day would be like. Hari raya puasa would be like, her birthday would be like. or any other special occasion. and how i would react when i see a mother with a child happy togehter.

i miss her so much. tonnes. god love her more than i do. but i love her.. the pillow she used to lie on still had her hot ointment smell. and i wore her jubah during tahlil. and i sleep on the bed she used to sleep on for the past so many uncountable years.

thanks so much guys, for being there for me.

2005-02-15T08:09:00.000+08:00

the only thing i missed out the most is to spent all my time with my mum. not knowing when shes going away. i didnt expect everything to happen. i had so many plans with her. to go shopping, to go sightseeing, to give her wealth and happiness, to bring her to haj and umrah. to love her as much as i can. and to let her live and see the generations that come from this family. it was too soon for her departure. for all i know its allah's will and allah love her more than we all do. its fate. i woke up this morning, and found a smell from my shirt. a smell so familiar that it reminds me of my mum's hot oil. that shirt was washed, and i wore it yesterday to sleep. did she came back and hug me? i miss her dearly. so much that i cry to sleep. even i couldnt sleep last night thinking of her and looking at the bed she used to sleep on. i cried on my journey to school. i had to go to school. i had to occupied my life with something so that i wont be reminded of my mum till i cry. i dunnoe how long this will go on. but i will never forget to pray and say my prayers for her. thank god i have my frens around me. they came to say their condelences. and stayed for a while to cheer me up. atleast with some laughter, a little sorrow is flown away.

i wish this was a dream. to wake up and find my mum beside me smiling at me. i wish i could say i love u to her. i wish i could follow her when the ambulance came and see her before her departure. but all has happen. and shes savely return to allah. alhamdulillah. shes been suffering so much. i might be sad for now, but i have to let go and remember allah loves her more than we all do. we came from soil and the soil we returned to.

i love you so much mak. insyallah i will make you proud. insyaallah.

2005-02-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

i really love the smile on his face. actually on anyone's face not him alone. something came to my mind while i was resting in my mum's room. the story a fren told me. and i was smiling alone although my mum was next to me. it was suppose to be a ghost story told over a night while i was doing my work on the computer. so i was having a online conference with him. so there he goes telling about somebody sleeping. and then theres somehting outside the window looking in. and there was knocking.. and then he sounds scary to me lah. but actually the thing outside the window is not wat i expected it to be but something out of sesame street if iam not wrong. lame. yeah. the thing happen a long time ago. but it just came to my mind suddenly and put a smile on my face.

gosh, iam so dead i think. iam so seriously going to school and start with my editting. and i think my life is getting boring. argh i miss talking to nana. nana.. if u are reading this, u are so dead once iam see u in school. i miss u hearts and i need to talk to u badly. seriously... i have never been serious.. i need help. send me to the mental hospital please.. or asap.

2005-02-08T01:08:00.000+08:00

i am feeling so sick. suddenly all the assignments came running to my head. reality check, i have tonnes to do and concentration is the main problem. digital film is killing me i think. slowly.. iam starting to hate producing werk, script, directing. no no no, all of this are for temporary, i hope. i have to be patient with myself. i have to be patient to achieve wat i want in life. i still have no mood to start werking on my script. and come to think of it, i dunnoe how i will start looking for actors who are of older age for my short film. the places i have to travel for my shoot. i dun have a car for goodness sake. and we have a tight budget. argh. now the magazine programme is on my mind. madness. simply madness. the only thing that making me happy in class is the acting module under directing. iam having my holidays, and this holiday is keeping me solemly down. with a mind full of things to do and an attitude of laziness. i hate this really really much. get back to reality in a minute or so.

2005-02-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

i jus dunnoe wat happen. something just snap, and i loose my control. i was just stoning, snapped, turning emo for a moment. i have no idea why something today must happen. and why now iam feeling all this. the guilt maybe, the hate and maybe the misunderstanding and miscommunication. sorri isnt enough to say. but iam sorri i couldnt help u and i forsee wat will happen. i need to sleep. i need some comfort from my bed. my mind a mess now and i need you to be total fine with me. no grudges. no hate. no pissed off feeling. sorri is all i can say. for now i hope u will be fine with ur werk. stay chill, stay cool please. bye.

2005-02-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

it was something unexpected. my mum got hospitilised for some reason we all dun noe. i miss my mum at home. i was away from home for 3 wks, and i never felt so much, so far from her. i used to joke with her. she asked me why not, i learn how to cook my favourite dishes. when she dies, i know how to coook my favourite dishes. and i told her that i can always call on her when she dies. And she will say that is if she is not being tortured yet. noone understand my mum more that i do. i dun think my sister, my brother or even my dad knoes her well enough. i have been around her much longer than anyone else i think. and i can simply cry seeing what she's going through. so much. She might laugh at the incident that happen on her birthday. But deep beneath her heart i could understand how sad it is for me to spoil her birthday. my dad brought up the topic again while waiting for my mum in the emergency resusitation room. i was just looking at the newpaper, not even daring enough to look at my dad. my bro and sister just laugh it off. but i know my dad is still pissed off with me. and i freaking irritated by that. as if he never make mistake.

iam lonely. being home with just my dad around. waking up with noone on my mum's bed. or some company while doing my werk and she watching tv. and her home cooked food. i miss meeting nana and zeke and abang wan kenobe, n just some kekek sessions.

2005-02-01T23:05:00.000+08:00

my heart skipped a beat when i look at him. it speeds up as he walk pass and went down that escalator going down to the mrt. i looked as he went away, hoping for him to stop and say his goodbyes or atleast a smile on his face. And i wanted very much to catch up and just walk next to him and wait for him to acknowledge. but it didnt happen. He took the train before mine, i think. and it was all meant to be for us not to meet.

had my acting classes today with mr lim yu beng. apart from the warm up. others was totally awesome. no censorship of words, language or any barrier or watever sort. We had to jump around for our warm up. and we all were laughing because our boobs were moving around. and he suggested us holding on to it. we had our massage from our partner to build connection and strengthen our bonds. to understand each other and to feel each other. haha.. got my massage from sabby and she got mine. she said i was hard and bet iam sure good on the bed. this is really how my class work. not sensitive and just funnily wicked plus open minded. Then we had to act in class with scripts that are impromto. One thing that make me laugh in madness was the act between ade and olc. In the act Ade was pregnant after a one night stand with olc. And olc already had a gf. So u know they had to settle some stuff. its just funny how they acted lah. I cant deny that all my classmates certainly can act. They can act either bitchy, a mad person, a pregnant lady, a unreasonable idotic brother, a muslim guy in love with a Chinese girl, a monk who is unsastisfied with the waitress, and tones more. Oh yah and a gay trying to prove that he is not gay. Aand I had to act as this unreasonable elder sister who is just a piece of shit. And plus u can act in any language u want. So I had to do it with malay because iam so comfy with the language. Thank god is not English. I think I shall try acting using English instead. I shall try next time. Aniwae good job guys, I think my class is just good with acting. Everyone can act and they are bring out their roles very good.

2005-01-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

something happen on a beautiful day which cause everyone to loose their joy. iam the reason for everything that happen. i broke my bro's bike side mirror. it just fell off. all happen because i wanted so much to pose with the bike. and because i wasnt used to it, it fell with me on it. yah some of u can just laugh it all. how clumpsy i was. how stupid i look. but it was sick. i brok something so special to my bro. i dunnoe how to make up. my bro didnt say anything. but when he sighs, that stretch of mark on his forehead. The way he look at the bike.. the way he asked me why. i know he is pissed. even my sister kept saying i shldnt have. and my dad too. i wasnt thinking much. there was so much chaos. My dad was like fighting with my bro over me. my bro kept saying that it was okie, it his bike afterall. my dad kept saying why did he allow me to ride it even. Why in the hell did it all happen. Iam really sorri. My mum kept asking how i was. But all i could think is just the bike. Its my mum's birthday. A beautiful gathering will all of us. and i just had to end it with a stupid thing that i had done and spoil everyone's mood. IAm really sorri. stop blaming me please. i didnt do it on purpose. i really didnt. i feel so bad. this is fucked up. sick.

2005-01-27T01:36:00.000+08:00

iam so fucked up. either with my bloody work or my bloody attitude. iam so sick with this kind of life. iam so sick of it that i dun wish to do any werk. iam so not in the mood. i have 2 assignments due on friday. and here iam slacking. with this thumping headache. i realize that iam a total slacker. i come to school late. i can really count the days when iam early in class. iam so tired of walking so fast to school because of being late. i am so sick of spending my allowance on taxi fare. iam so sick of falling asleep in class either because the class was too long or because its too boring or because iam too tired. everything is getting on me. and i might fall apart anytime sooner. argh someone save me. please.

-i wonder how my life with go on. for now i have to do some reflection.

2005-01-25T02:46:00.000+08:00

ALICIA KEYS
there'll never come a day
you'll never hear me say
that i want
one need to be without you
i wanna give my all
baby just hold me..
simply control me..
because u ask, they keep away the lonely
when i look into your eyes
then i realise, all i need is you in my life
all i need is you in my life
cause i never felt this way about love...no
never felt so good, baby
never felt this way about love
and it feel so good.

i wish i was in this kind of situation. i wish i felt so good in life because i am inlove with someone who is actually in love with me. love. such a big vocab. such beautiful word that has alot of meaning to it. my fren asked me whether for serious that, i really dun have a bf. and i had to tell him yah. life. my mum even say that at this age.. people out there are already having girlfrens and boyfriends. she say this because i told her that iam still a teenager. basically.. iam still a teenager. but because of my age.. iam kind of abit old. just enjoy singlehood when u can. it will be nice to have someone waiting for u. to cuddle u and comfort you when you are in stress, in anger. to luluby u to sleep. to touch ur hair. to joke around and talk with. to be inlove.. to love and be love.

2005-01-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

everyone around me have changed. i dun really remember of any one person who has not changed since our secondary school days. i shall not disclosed any names as this applies to many people out there including me. one might not know they they have changed. its either for the better good of mankind or for the worst of it. i remember someone said, "man wat happened to u??" "since when u talking like this??" "since when u style like that when i see u in school??" i seriously cant figure out what he mean or trying to say. as long as our character and our attitude, belief is still the same.. it really doesnt matter if we change our appearance. right guys? but when communication breakdown between friends, its different. things change over the years. and i am learning to accept frens of mine who of different mentality and attitude. i have learnt not to interfere much in their life. i have learnt to be sensitive to ppl around me. that works out between friends. friends are suppose to be there all the time. whether rain or shine. and i hope i have been there for u guys. sometimes it just sad that things doesnt work out the way we wanted it to be.

some have been asking.. how have i been doing. i just say that.. i am stil the same faj they use to know. although thats not the real truft. secondary school life and poly life is just too different for me to adapt with. i used to do alot of stuff in secondary school. i was so involve with secondary school, being in the band and class commitee, helping teachers with projects, playing sports like nobody business. doing things the way i want it to be. but now in poly, things are so different. i can really count the times i played sport in school. i can really count the time i put out my ideas. getting crazy over the smallest thigns.

iam so freaking tired with watever dunnow wat things.. i have never been a last minute person back in secondary school. i always finish my hw by fridays. so that i can relak over the weekend. now.. its the weekend and i have not really done any werk. i have producing, directing, 3d modelling assignment to be done. and i still dare to spent my afternoon since yesterday on the net, surfing the net on nutting and edditing my pictures. and not doing my werk. all my assignments are due this week. and i really cant think of doing any thing. iam getting lazy. all this while i really hate last minute werk. i hate sleepless nights, awake with my computer... with my tv and my songs from the computer switched on. i hate this.. but i cant help it. tell me why for goodness sake. the song by backstreetboys came runnning into my head. is everyone like me or am i just being lazy?

2005-01-21T17:46:00.000+08:00

when someone smiles... it really make someone's day. it make my day by looking at someone smile at me. that sincere sweet smile. they might be in a hurry to go somewhere.. or having so much stress with school work. but just a smile will make that someones day and change him or her day after that. if everyday of our life is filled with laughter, i think our life will be very easy and smooth sailing. slamat hari raya haji, peep.....

2005-01-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

i just realise something...when i reminded a fren that she is already 20.. reality check : its coming to 3 yrs since we all grad from secondary school. 2 other batches of students has grad after us too. somehow it doesnt feel like. time passes as like it wants. if time moves slower, and ppl appreaciate things around them more.. maybe life would be different. i think. i could seriously remember my days in secondary school and vividly remember the days of my poly life during my first year. only certain events could be seen flying around my brain. i could still remember how roza and siti's bag were stolen in sec 2. How all of us are always late for school in the morning. How all of us arrive when the school bell rang. How all of us had to run to the back of the parade square. Just because that mr adam says, "walk sommore..walk sommore.." or "get that in your thick skull".. lucky for me... i was never marked late due to the fact that i was part of the class commitee. I still remember how mr shah had ask us to tuck in our shirts into our shorts during p.e lesson and run around the basketball court for like one round. i still remember how mr adam had to call the vice chair or chairman infront to the parade square just to have meetings. i still remember how we all had to follow the route back to our class to avoid congestion. and how we all brought our malay books with us duing recess. And i sometimes left my books at the canteen, even my wallet. ernie used to keep my wallet when i forgotten to take them. During geog class, we all always do our homework because of ms rosnah. i miss her. i stil remember how i had to copy the right answers so many times when i scored lowed for geog. how we spent our times going for beach/ mangrove clean up which was total awesome. i still remember the pizza we had ad sungei buloh nature park and the lepak in the aircon room. just me, nisa and the boys. im, qaiyum, khairil, zil, ariff, elmi, k.j. ohh yah.. the detention our class had outside of mr adam's hod room for no reason. i know one reason why, because some of us were late for tuesday assembly. and the whole school had to wait for us. and i remember how zil was so damn pissed with me or issit him.. aha and how all of us lepak at the food and nutrition room at level 2. i also kind of failed my history exams every time and scored a b3 for my olevel. miracle. yah.. and how huimin changed her attitude and become a great n clever student.

i really remember so much that i just dun wan to leave it. it was so simple back then. yah... no problems.. no boyfriends..no fashion trends going around. there is lah but we all couldnt really be bother so much. but one thing i really am proud of is that.. being the top in malay... wohoooo.. atleast something rather than nutting right. i just dunnoe why all of us just gone our own ways. zil has entered n.s, so does mervyn and fabian. the rest is still slogging their way through poly. i just couldnt believe that i didnt even achknowledge wei gee when i meet him.. its been a long time since i last met siti and najwa. the only person who really still keep in contact is those who goes online and khai and nisa and zil. not even the teachers. to think back.. i was close to alot of ppl back then.. but somehow now, those i used to be close are no longer close. like diana and aishah. i miss my band mates. i miss marching on that field with my big silver tenor saxophone. or sitting inside that cold music room in rows.. and playing my sexophone while reading the notes and seeing the conductor out front. yah practises for the SYF display comp. how we all cried because we didnt get gold. how we tried really or best.... things happen. we are new too. every person i know from sec school seem to change. either attitude wise or dressing. either they became more cool, more minah, more mat, more streetwise, more mature. i realized i hang out with guys more often than with the gals in my class.. and now i rather have a gal as a close fren. but i really miss hanging out with u boys. going home with khairil and nisa and charles. ohh yah.. merchant of venice is a beautiful thing that happen. it totally change my perception of ppl i think. i used to think nisa is a snob before that. but she is actually a nice great gal fren. yeah.

in conclusion... i really misses sec sch days. life was so peaceful back then. time passes really fast. iam 19 this year. wat do u really expect from a 19 year old. i was 13 when i was in sec 1. and back then i wished i was older. now iam older, i just wished i could be younger. atleast something that could match my attitude and my kind of life. a fren told me that he might only be settling dwn when he's 32. after he grad from uni, he might take other studies learning more indepth of islam. and then he might be going to take masters. i dunnoe wat does this got to do with wat iam saying. realli. i realli hope we all could meet someday. the school shld have a gathering with all the yiss ex peeps. yeah. i miss old sch days. i miss u all.

2005-01-17T13:53:00.000+08:00

freak..freak freak.. someone stoled my freaking slippers. iam certainly gonna curse the person who stoled it upside down and when i find my stolen slippers, iam certainly gonna wait for the person to appear and tell IT off. seriously how daring it could be stealing something at a place so beautiful and clean. urgh. maybe its just some normal slippers. but i didnt leave it for like one hour. i left it for less than half an hour, and its gone in a jiffy. suck, sick... i can get other slippers like that. but i love that slipper. its been through with me thick and thin. through the rain, being with me during camp in negeri sembilan, the volunteer work in surin, thailand. argh.. it has memory from thailand.. it has its sand from thailand. nooooooo.. i just hope that my slippers reapper back next wk.hope.

the madrasah class was kaboom blast. i certainly dunnoe why but its kinda fun. atleast we dun really have to study arab but more indepth of islam. there wasnt much laughter around, i think. there are some new ppl around. and theres really no click between us and the other kakaks yet. maybe because we all havent really been talking to each other or we have not been interacting with each other for the past years. some of them are from the other batches. my classmate guys and the other bactches guys dun seem to be talking too. some do talk. yah.. what can u expect out of a class which just started a week back. with the rules of not wearing uniformed hijab and jubah for classes is good enough for all of us.but the fact that we still had to follow the rules for what we can wear or not.. it seems not fair literally. we are allowed not to wear uniform, but still we must go with the dressing code. yah, its necessary to go with hijab and clothes that cover your body. nvm... i think.. everyone will break the rules... i know the guys from my class will do it. and maybe we all too. though rules are meant to be followed, it will be okie right if we break some. but overall its just nice to be there and learn new knowledge.. oh yah.. if u have a fren called mamat.. let me tell u somehting, its call "banyak mati" in arab... means "alot die"..direct translation that is.

i cant wait for friday.. i dunnoe why myself. chill and peace out sisters and brothers..

2005-01-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

3d max is killing me softly in my life. its a new module, and its kinda tough on the surface. with its complicating tools and stuffs. atleast theres a teacher who goes round and help his students who shouts in class in anger and madness over the classwork.

and my fren says iam going mad. zeke too.. and i think nana is too.. nissa too actually. everyone is going insane. nissa (madrasah sister) is going insane by not being employed. zeke condition is still unkown. nana is certainly going insane because she is turning to a minah ...she talks rubbbish half of the time and calls mamat everytime she melatah. yah.. as for me.. nana says iam getting insane because i talk to the freeking computer to a imaginary roger. i dunnoe why too.

going out with nissa and nana was great. a kekek and lovely session with them.
oh yah.. iam getting f***** up with the jams in jb. with the big lorries cutting into the bus lane. and the long cues in the jb custom with unknown of which lane u are queing at. super sick. i still dunnow why iam so addcited to johor. maybe because of the shopping and the cinema. maybe.

iam super happy that my documentary editing was over. but we had to continue with the rest of the editing and increase the time for the documentary. the awesome threesome. thanks ADE, thanks OLC. we have to endure this again.. and maybe the documentary will turn out super nice and send for recongition. argh.. but why must we go with the freaking rules. Rules are meant to be followed not to be broken.

2005-01-11T20:41:00.000+08:00

this life. its been 1 weeks plus a few days. and we all been busy with editting. and everytime the time come close to 9, we all panicked because of the uploading that takes alot of time. tired thats all we can say. time flies pretty fast. we are back in singapore for almost one month. i dont really felt the time past during in thailand. it was suttle, smooth, peace.. singapore is more of a busy country. ppl rushing for time like noones's bussiness. running around here and there. kiasu and kiasi queing up at every "free" goodies shop or giveaways. but its different in thailand. especially if its in the rural part of thailand. Surin for example. if only life was as peaceful. for all of us. its either Surin or back in Singapore., bangkok was not in any of our choice. unless its for shopping purposes.

iam still here in school, uploading the video into the hardisk. with my peeps around laughing and enjoying themselves. yah, deep beneath in every heart of us, we are all worried, tensed with the things that happened around us.

Yah... and iam sick of listening to stupid comments around myself. yah.. its kinda sick when ppl find ur mistakes and dun see the problems they have in theirselves. yah... but sometimes these things make you realize. realize about ur mistakes, ur attitude that make ppl pissed off.. and sick at you. That make ppl talk behind ur back for every bloody things u are doing. yah...

and life is the same at religous school. furthering my studies at the same mosque with my sisters. i love them all.

2005-01-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

does it matter to anyone how someone really feels? i do.. and i really wish that some ppl wont take for granted for everything around them. i feel sick. sick so much that it really wanna make me puke, wanna make me cry. i dun understand how asking for permission is really that difficult. i dun understand how asking someone nicely and just understand what he or she just say is so difficult. i really dont. For once i really want to talk to that someone. For once i wish i didnt fought and misunderstood the msges he sent. For once please tell me the truft bro. i dun care how far u are. i really dont care anymore. i really want us to talk like always.. not to sms me sweet msges and dun reply to my msges just because of the bill. then dun sms in the first place. if u are reading this, iam actually pissed off with you. we can joke around. and i always accept ur jokes and u always accept my jokes. but ireally cant accept ur joke this time round. i really cant. can u just please make it clear whats happening between us. please...

iam really getting sick. and everytime i hold grudges, i wish i could shout..i wish i could go to the top of any building and shout as loud as possible. i wish i could just stand in the middle of the road and tel the whole world how i hate this feeling... i really wish so..

2005-01-06T19:35:00.000+08:00

seandainya dunia ini tiada cinta.. tiada sayang..
tiada kasih..tiada erti...tiada kekayaan
andainya malam itu siang..
andainya siang itu malam..
adakah ia akan merubahkan segalahnya?
Pedih.. sakit.. kecewa..hanyut...gelisah..
bosan..bodoh...
Ahhhh.... apa yang ada di dunia ini?
adakah dunia ini tentang wang...
Tentang cinta?
tentang kocak kacir?
di sana sini berlaku nya pelbagai bencana
di utara, lautan bergelora membanjiri
membasahi... membunuh berjuta juta
ManuSia, bangunan, alam sekitar...
mati..hanyut.. rosak.. hancur, lenyap.. hilang terus...
dipukul ombak terus hilang ke dasar lautan...

jika hidup ini tenang... mungkin tiada kesedaran..
mungkin tiada keinsafan..

2005-01-03T22:49:00.000+08:00

if everything in this world is easier say than done. iam wondering, pondering, thinking of the things in this world that we always take for granted. those feelings that are left unsaid, those actions that leave ppl thinking and miserable. i received a message a day back by someone so far away. "Look at the the stars n u see time.. Look at the heart and you see Love.. Look in the eyes and you see Life.. Look at your handphone and see who's thinking of you, good morning.." and it leaves me wondering. what is the meaning of this? issit just another normal morning greetings message or it mean other things? I really had enough of thinking and imagining things. the person who really been thinking of you all this while.. So far yet so near n is it really possible?... why?

monday.. monday is not like any other day of the week. ppl say mondays infects ppl with monday blues. and i certainly think it has infected me with it. seriously this is total sickness. a pain in the head. i have a script due tommorow. with the new year just passed, it isnt werking as planned. iam killing myself with last minute resolutions for a script. i have to make the gal die. but iam not suppose to. but it sounds nicer if she dies. but its cliche. i just have to figure it out before the clock strikes 12.

iam still thinking..theres still alot of time left for me.. i think.

2004-12-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

2005 arriving

2004 will soon come to an end. 2005 will arrive. Yah.. every year, we always were asked to make new resolutions for the new year. and every year i make new resolutions hoping that those resolutions will come true. and part of my resoulutions were achievable for this year. coming to another year is like just another day for me. maybe i shall wake up with nothing but a feeling that i live for another day. that i thank god that i am still alive.

there are so many things that happen this year. i reconcile my relationship with a fren after a year long unacknoledgment and misunderstanding. i make new friends and stay in contact with my good frens from secondary school. i gain new experience during the trip to thailand. Seeing new culture, things and learning to adapt and accept the simple things in life. And building a stronger relationship with my family. And lastly not to take my frens for granted. yah i got all emotional this year. with inner and outer conflicts surrounding me.. thankgod i manage to overcome it.

for this upcoming 2005, i want my family and friends to be in good health. i want to be with my love ones. and i dun wish for them to change... i like the way u all are.. i want to have a little more freedom, trust and success. to stay true to my friends, to be there when they need me. to gain new experience. to get acknowledment and understanding from the ppl around. to stay saint, be loved and love.

chill out peeps. there are alot of incidents that happen in 2004. the bird flu case, Huang na's death, the political issue on the causeway, the death of the maid and the baby, Arafat's departure, the tsunami disaster that struck many people's life. we cant stop all this from happening. it all happens for a reason. we just have to overcome it, face it and take it, cope with it, and start afresh. so peeps.. happy new year.

2004-12-28T01:24:00.000+08:00

if theres one thing in this world that i could stop, is the disaster that has struck asia. noone could believe that for one moment, you were enjoying yourself by the beach. playing the water with your kid. the next moment, a big wave came rushing above you, sweeping your love ones away. and when u wake up, you find so much unfamiliar faces around you. And you found out that your wife and kid died. believe it? it happens to many ppl around asia on SUnday. The biggest death toll was in Aceh itself. Where the underwater earthquake took place. Malaysia was hit too. it was the worst disaster around. and i dun really remember the last time anything bad happened to malaysia. The Tsunami disaster was played upteen times on tv. over and over again.. the sight of bodies of victim lying around on the sand, among the rubbles, at the hospital, it really freaked me out. When parents cry for their dead child.. hitting their chest in anger.. shouting.. That doesnt bring back the dead..within minutes.. everything is taken away. How those kids playing in the water, enjoying themselves, splashing water at each other trying to escape the big wave. how they look up at the wave that pulled them down. how they tried to gasp for air but nutting to avail. How mother and daughter enjoying their stroll down the beach.. and when the wave came, they ran.. but somehow, as they were running, mum loose her grip of her child. iam lost for words. and i thank god that iam safe... Singapore wasnt hit by the disaster. they say there were only vibrations on the ground. it was lucky as singapore was a small island surrounded by big brothers and sisters. its still on my mind. the big wave... the bodies of victim..the aftermath of the disaster.. if only alarm and singals were given out much earlier. if only precautionaries were taken much earlier... maybe the the amount of death wont be as much as it is... semoga allah mencucuri rahmat keatas roh mereka semua. amin..

2004-12-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

i have finaally meet zil n nisa after my thailand trip. though i was suppose to go towwn with nisa and zil.. we had to lepak at cofee bean for zil's sake. he just got back from camp at 2. being a nice fren, we decide to accomodate him. we lepak and chatted and browse through photos of my thailand trip. zil was still humorous and relating his ns experience and what happen during him camp and training. oh yah, fazis came soon after.. followed by kejendran and then elmi with his fren. these name above are frens from my secondary school and stil my good fren till today. its really weird how time flies so fast. zil and nisa has already taken their A levels. Zil is already in ns. and iam still in poly. sick. oh yah, and when u mention how small the world is. its not that small. Singapore is considered small. but since i graduate from secondary school, i have never met any of my schoolmates not to mention my classmates. oklah i do meet those classmates who live in CCk. but not those who live in bukit batok or yewtee or anywhere else. Nisa, khairil, zil, k.j, farin is like the only person iam daring enough to say that iam still in contact with. plus those who i meet online. but that doesnt count.

how small is the world? not to mention SIngapore... how difficult issit to meet up? the last gathering i had with my classmate was like a year back. and not even all attended. i dun even bump to teachers in town or at any part of singapore. i went down clementi almost every weekend and this mosque. and i dun even bump to a teacher who lives infront of the mosque. argh... nisa mentioned that its been along time since she last contacted nadiah.. when both of them were so closed back in secondary school. life.. time flies really fast. soon the a levels peeps are gonna be in university. iam still in poly. i will be 19 next year which is like in a few more days. it was just like yesterday that it was secondary school.

2004-12-22T21:57:00.000+08:00

ingin berpijak di bumi yang nyata..
aku keliru..bijak..bosan..
seikhlas sebuah persahabatan
aku kehilangan..ingin mencari..mencapai, mengetahui
di kala kesunyian.. aku ingin teman..
di kala kerinduan.. aku ingin kau disisi..
aku ingin mereka mengerti.. aku ingin difahami..
dan bukan disalah anggap..
tapi hati ini keliru..
ku rindukan diri dirimu disana
rindu bergembira..berjenaka sesama teman yg lain..

2004-12-22T21:35:00.000+08:00

2 days of school have i acomplished. i went out with the YEp peeps to talk and chill. i was schooling from 11 to 1 for editing classes. i think it was less than half and hour of lecture. and we were watching PUlP FicTiON after that. we all manage to eat our breakfast in room with the permission of our dear lecturer. pulp fiction wasnt really to my liking. i really dont know why. maybe because the thing was really long but it was amusing and a little sick. the movie ended half an hour later after my class ends. so the Yep peeps had to wait for us. though i was running a little late. we went down to bishan for lunch and talk. and manage to decide on Swensen because it is ISLAM kan... oh yah, the Yep peeps only has about 4 Muslims so the rest of the YEP peeps have to give in to us. haha.. Swensen was hmmm scrumtious. i had breaded chicken with Coit tower. and i was surrounded by food. alvin was eating kebab, rachie was eating some kind of burger. the other rachel was eating steak, hudha was eating ice cream. so i was like going from person to person.. hahhaa.. nolah just kidding. swensen ends about a hour later. and all of us seperated because each one of us excluding me wants to go Christmas shopping. so i was off to home with Moon and YY.

tuesday was kaboom blast. i got a class at 8. and it was suppose to end at 11 but it ended at 9. iam in DIgital photography. i dont know why i wasnt in any of the language elective. yah i was aware that language really suck big time. i will get mixed up my language of english, chinese, malay and thai. ohh yah dun give me any language that has tone in it. like thai and chinese. i will get the hanyun pinyin damn wrong. so dont.. argh.. orite back to school. decide to watch some movie but it was too late and then went to eat pizza. as usual because of the Islam situation they had to agree on Pizza hut for Brunch. so yah we went to eat and went back to school for cordinator lecture. aha.... ohh yah i went around distrubuting my dearest frens presents from Thailand. after one month not meeting them it was kaboom. everyone was in different hairstyle.. different form of clothing. different hair color.. went back to directing class after that. and then it was the end of the day.

theres school again tommorow.. friday is a half day.. christmas is on saturday. yah holiday mood again. merry christmas peeps.. hohohoho.. all i wish for christmas is for you to appear in my life... and plus some happiness and love..

2004-12-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

why is there singaporeans in the ALL PASSPORT lane when there is so many other SINGAPORE lane at the causeway checkpoint. And why everytime i return home i got stuck by either climbing up the escalator which is not working or stuck in a human traffic jam over at the JB departure checkpoint. And when people cut cues and stood infront of me.. that was sick. i wish i could just shout at his ears and tell him to buzz off. if only i could do that in a human traffic jam, i will be killing myself with my manners.

one more day to sch open and iam officially had enough of holidays, i think. i cant wait for school to start. meeting my peeps, chilling at the macs when theres free time. or getting out of school during breaks. iam into second year, second semester. another few more months and iam in third year. and plus a few more months after that, i will be graduating from poly. woa, how time flies like it was just yesterday. like it was yesterday..

things happen so much. and everything happens for a reason...

2004-12-18T01:22:00.000+08:00

i shldnt have say those things. i shld have keep those thing in my heart. iam too sick than ever. Too sick to even think of the consequences. iam sorri dude. i dun wish to loose a friend animore.

2004-12-14T22:56:00.000+08:00

sawadeeka. iam back home finally after 3 weeks away. and everything just ended too fast. i was complaining how life was boring..but i was different as the days gone past. life was more interesting. and when the kids come for their english camp in Surin NEt foundation it just got us moving. this kids are different from those in singapore. they may be 11 or 12 or younger but they dont really care much abt their age. or whether they are doing stupid stuff or anything. they just do what they do in their age. they sing and dance like there is no tommorow. and plus theres always a smile on their face. they seems so happy with the simple things in life. they may not be rich but still they are happy. i have went to some of the vilaagers house and they dun even have a bed. not to mention tv or radio or etc..they even go to sch without shoes. but still they are ablr to run and enjoy themself once the sch time is over. they play at the padi fields on the hay stack. they jump around on the hay and dont even care whether they are jumping near a cow or a bull. and by the time the leave the net foundation, all were in tears. it was unbearable to leave them. we all were so attach to everyone of them. on the last night, they go around us and hug us one by one. it was too difficult to keep the tears away. it was too soon for them to go. the next wk we spent some time in 2 sch to teach them english. and on the friday we left for bangkok. but before we leave, we all had dinner with the ICRF people and like always we say our last goodbye. oh yah i meet a little baby gal named chelsea. cute and adorable. haha. oh yah.. bangkok was a hell of shopping spree.. though i didnt shop much but it was heaven. haha..

overall i still love the life in surin. it may be slow paced but somehow it is much happier there. no stress. the air is clean. and plus the time moves very slow. we woke up by 5 am in the morning and sleep at 11 or 12.
and we lag by 1 hour. and most of the night we spent our times by talking to each other or bunking in each other room. there is no tv in our place but still it wasnt boring at all.

it was quite difficult for us to leave each other once we all reach the airport. we all were so close to each other. sleeping in each other company. when u wake up in the morning, i use to see my fren next to me. or when at night i use to seat in company of frens of guys and gals chatting and joking around. but today i wake up alone on my bed. but it feels good to be back home. eating chiken and meat after 3 wks. meeting my parents. meeting my family. watching tv and computer. wow. but i really miss Surin life. and i miss shopping in Bangkok shopping. and i miss them alot.

2004-11-22T01:03:00.000+08:00

iam loosing everything.
no more patience, no more sainity
i feel like cryin and
this heart is beating twice as hard

why? wats with me?
wats with everything in this world
who doesnt seem to look at me animore?
am i not human?
why isnt there any human who cares for my feelings?
why isnt there any creatures who wants to understand?

iam getting f***** up for every single thing thats happening
and for a moment.. i just wish everything is peaceful..
for a moment i wish that i am not thinking of anytihng.
and i wish that for once someone could just listen

2004-11-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

saturday was a busy day with ppl coming in and out of my house. i wasnt in a mood really but still i have to put on a smile for my guest. atleast i had my laughs when i got a chance to talk to someone. thanks yah.

today was tired too. i had to go down to the mosque to settle some stuff. so went to meet ustaz and then lepak while waiting for adibah. meet ustazah mariah. as usual salam her and kiss her cheeks.. haha.. she invited the al-jannah peeps down to her house tommorow. but we all couldnt make it i think. so went back to the room to meet ustaz and then back to classes. woohoo i pass my exams.. n i thought i would have failed my religious class exams but i did it with flying colors. woo. yah. saw a couple of the madrasah peeps singing. actually practising for the upcoming haflah which i wont be attending. sigh. went back home and then ppl keep coming in the house. i was in the kitchen cooking the fried chicken. wooo.. got my rest right now. i really have to settle my things. iam off to thailand in less that 1 wk. actually in 2 days time. and i stil havent settle my stuff. my luggage. my cd collection. my.. argh everything.

something is just amiss. something which is not right. i dunnoe wat. i just have to be strong and have a positive mindset.

2004-11-19T17:45:00.006+08:00

bluek. iam so bored. i spent my days of hari raya going to sch and visiting houses. and i even forget to take my malaria pills. and i think i spent too much this month though iam not schooling. urgh. nutting much really happen this wk. other than that.. nutting much of any happening. i went down to harbour front to get my camera stuff then proceed to bugis. all alone. yeah. went down to simlim to get batteris and headphones. then walk down bugis street to find camera bag. met a cousin of mine there, hafiz with his friend. i think thats the only person i met. yah. after bugis went back home straight.. do nutting much in the train other than listening to my discman. i havent get my things ready for the 3 wks trip. dunnoe wat to bring there. iam having a headache right now. argh stress. no jalan raya with frens for this year. maybe tuesday with dmd students, if my parents mood are okay... ahhaa. for ur information iam flying off on wednesday morning. so its obvious i cant go out the day before that because of the packing and stuff. ahh its okay.. sorri peeps. oklah. my mum is nagging me to clean my room after i mess it up. so gtg peeps. take care and chill always yah.

ohh yah.. if u are in love with someone.. or u like someone.. how do u really know that they like u.. or do u even dare to tell that person? do u?

2004-11-13T13:49:00.000+08:00

dalam kegelapan. tiada cahaya tiada sinaran.
pandangan mata kabur..
tiada bunyi, tiada suara.
sesekali cahaya sinaran cuba memasuki ruang kegelapan.
sedikit demi sedikit cahaya menyinyari ruang kegelapan.
tapi ruang itu ingin sekali dalam keadaan gelap
dia tidak ingin melihat, tidak ingin merasa, tidak ingin bernafas
ruang kegelapan berkata, " aku tidak ingin kau memasukki ruang ini. biarlah aku sendiri. aku lebih gemar begini. biar aku sendiri.. aku tidak ingin sesiapa untuk melihat aku begini.."
cahaya berkata, " biarlah aku masuk. biar orang melihat kamu.. biar kamu diubati.. biar cahaya ini dapat menyinyari kehidupan kamu.."
Ahhhhh pergi mampos dengan semuanya. untuk apa? untuk apa ruang ini diisi dengan cahaya? untuk apa ruang ini menyinyari dengan sinaran mu? cahaya terdiam. ingin sahaja dia memujuk ruang kegelapan. cahaya terus memberi sinarannya. dia ingin memberitahu ruang kegelapan, dia ikhlas menolong. cahaya berkata, " aku tidak ingin kau berada dlm kegelapan. aku tidak ingin kau kesunyian." biar lah ruang kegelapan sentiasa dalam kegelapan. biarlah dia mencari siapa dirinya yang sebenar. biar dia yg membuat keputusan.
dalam keadaan gelap, sepi tanpa suara.. sunyi tanpa bunyi...aman..hanya untuk seketika

2004-11-12T16:20:00.000+08:00

yesterday was nice. today was nice too. kind off. went down to geylang with farina and faidzil. meet them at 5 and went down to geylang by train. on the way meet idil who doesnt seem to take notice of me in the train till geylang. then went to haig road. as usual geylang was filled with peeps. oh yah it was deepavali. so find a place in haig road to get ready for break fast. had to do with seeting next to 2 unknown person who wasnt muslim. zil had his keow teow mama with eggs, farin had mee hun kuah mama and i had nasi goreng merah with eggs. did i mention it was farin's treat. after break fast, we headed to darul arqam for magrib prayers. then down to geylang bazaar. the purpose for me to go down to geylang was to snap some pics. yah it was the festive season and i wanted to try new things with photography. rather than taking sceneries i wanted to try to take something different. yah so we went down there and didnt bought anything lah. went from bazaar to bazaar to tanjong katong complex and many more lah. there were tonnes of pretty baju but i ve got mine. so does farin. and plus farin didnt bring enough money. and the posb que was long. met tonnes of peeps. from fozi to a fren from poly to a fren from net to a fren from pri sch. and yah my cuzzin. woot. after cruizing with my camera snapping all sort of pictures we decide to go home. so zil bought dendeng. his treat and we lepak at coffee bean at post office buildin. at coffee bean it was my turn to treat them. and we saw arron aziz. woot. lovely, handsome, cute, great, woah. we are all smiles. and i love chit chatting with zil and farin. talk abt the old days. zil wasnt much in a talking mood. i dunnoe why but it was great to meet him again. and let some time off from his studies. we went home soon after and took the train. and depart off at different stations. thank u farin. though she hit me several times during the journey. ahahkk. and zil thank u too. i love going out with u guys.

10 days of hari raya and 3 wks of thailand. iam gonna miss lots. my family, my home, my frens, my computer. my internet. haiz. how am i gonna cope for 3 wks. while the rest enjoying themself during the festive season, iam in thailand doing a documentary. its all for a good cause. iam gonna miss alot. atleast i got to stay in singapore for 10 days and celebrate raya. iam afraid of missing..missing wat.. that is still the question. ahakx. wish me good luck over there yeah. and doakan semoga aku pergi dan pulang dengan selamat yah. peace u all. slamat hari raya.

2004-11-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

weee.... studio project is finally over. and iam relaxing like never before. but its kinda boring. this year i guess no kad raya for you guys. and this is the only thing, the only medium to tell u guys. maybe i will send somehting through the net. to my dearest frens. from my primary school days to my secondary school days, to my 3 mths jc, to my poly days frens, selamat hari raya to you all. maaf zahir batin. for all this year, we have been frens i know i am not the kind who say things softly or wat. i know i have been loud. very loud and sometimes i hurt your feelings out there with my sarcastic remarks or any stupid words. or if i ever break ur promises.. this and that. iam really sorry. to those who still hold grudges towards me, i hope u all forgive me k. we all human. and i think i have forgiven some of u ppl out there. haha yah.. slamat hari raya and maaf zakir batin. in advance i shall tell u guys that i wont be able to join u guys during any of the raya outings because i will be going to thailand for a couple of weeks. that is if nothing happens to the place iam going and my parents doesnt change their minds. so peeps. u guys take care yah.. i love you all. peace apun u.

2004-11-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

.. hip hip hooray. hail to faj who just finish her shoot. peace is finally. i can now relax one corner and just sleep. i didnt slept the day before yesterday.. so when i when for my group's studio shoot on tuesday, i was in a daze. my eyes were small and i was really tired. i had my sleep when i had to act as a corpse and during becoming the tape operator. i had my shoot from 9 till 9 plus at night. 12 hours of shoot in the studio without rest. yesterday was tiring. it wasnt a slack day and it was stressfull. after the shoot, i had to do my rehearsel with my actors. so i reach home half an hour before 12. sick right. i was sleeping all the way frm yiochukang to choa chu kang. i had to hits the computer after i reach home. my eyes were tired and there were no more energy. i had my bath, my food then computer time. but it was sick. by the time it was 1, i was getting reallly tired. and i didnt even realise than i was sleeping infrnt of the computer. and i really still dunnow how i get to my room. i didnt even start with my werk by then. lucky me that my mum called me at 5.. if not iam dead. i finish my werk and it was a lazy werk. more trouble for me, my comp couldnt burn due to stupid technical problem. i packed for all my stuff frm my baju kurung to my set props, etc and bath and then i went to erwan's house to burn. i was suppose to meet my crew at 830 but all came late. but it was cool. did my shoot and all were playing ard. it was stressful at the director's chair. but still its cool.

i finish on time and change in a minute for my fren's shoot. after that i went over to animation lab to pass a fren something. and slacking in the lab with ma frens who were kanchiong with their animation werks. they had to do it by 5. and its quite scary. atleast my asessment is on friday. so waited for a fren to finish her burning for the shoot and went back to class to sleep. sleep for a while and went home. it was a happy momeent. the feeling of going home way early. the feeling of walking under the bright sun. though it was raining. i had a sweet sleep during the mrt ride and more sleep after i get home. sweet. now iam relaxing again. chilling with the computer. and no sleepy feeling animore. iam done with my werk and yahooo... weeeee..

2004-10-31T22:25:00.000+08:00

today's nice. its a smile day for me. i went down to cityhall to met the boys. Olc and ken. i waited for them to finish eating their tuna sandwiches at delifrance before heading to esplanade. we went to the big area where all the hip-hoppers dance. but at that time, noone was there so we had the place to ourselve. we rehearse our lines in my script and faj think u all are good. but pls dun laugh. it was a fast game. and because it was still early, we decide to go down to suntec. so suctec we go. but olc found nutting amusing there. he is fussy and choosy on the clothes he wear. he couldnt find any t-shirts that are nice.. but me and ken saw tonnes. we wanted to go down to orchard. but had to meet the rest at 1. so we went down raffles city to meet racheal. and then to marina's starbucks to drink. i didnt drink anything as i was fasting. then we went down back to the hip-hop place again. but i decide to go back to suntec to meet someone. so me and ken went to suntec back to see someone. it was difficult to see him. and luckily i had my instincts. ur dance move were grooving..it make me smile. okay.. me and ken went back to explanade to meet all of them. and i was helping ken rehearsing the lines as we walk back to the esplanade. and i was laughing all the way in the esplanade looking at my frens getting engage with their roles.. its a smle day for me. but sad i had to go home alone. nvm that.. oklah peeps take care and one more wk of studio project..and iam counting down..

2004-10-29T21:53:00.000+08:00

if only my exams is like yours. if only people outside understand my life. the choice that have brough apun me. its not as simple as it seem. the mistakes can never be redone. the take can never be reshoot because of the tight scedule. its a live show. when others done it nicely and they reshoot it again and mine was a disaster and didnt shoot again.. it didnt felt right. if only things went right. but things have gone through and next wk is another part of my exam. studio production- drama in studio. i hope this wil go right. the class is divided to 2 group. 11 in a production crew and everyone will take turn to become the studio director, assistant director, visual mixer, sound man, cameraman, tape operator, set decorater, etc. when u see singapore idol, or news, or drama on tv like holland village, friends.. thats wat iam doing for my exams. drama production. when things go wrong, retakes have to been done from the top. no editing.. every editing is cut on the spot using the camera. the studio director will ask the visual mixer to cut to which camera. this is how we do editing. its tough and patience is all that i need. i blew my top previously. no comments were given to my werk. i dunno why but they mention they my v.j was good. i think. watever it is.. its just the start. and i hope everything will go right..

the thought of going thailand with the sch has been on my mind. the recent riots in southern thailand and stuff has making my mum and dad thinking twice abt letting me go. my mum have been persuading me not to go. but the payment has already been given. iam going to the eastern thailand. and i think it will be orite. if its not safe to go.. they shall cancel it at the last minute. i watch the news just now. when they lay the dead bodies of thailand ppl on the groud, there were more than 20.. it was scary. the feeling of fear engulf. just imagine at once more than 20 people dies of rioting. i had a fake rubber bullet hitting my cheeks. it was painful. how does a real bullet feels and how does a bomb explosion feels like. when a small electric shock across 2 person makes u scream.. wat does a bomb explosion feels like then? why is there so many things that happen around us. why isnt there peace in any part of the world. even in singapore theres fights all over. u can hear kids, teenagers parents, family fighting in home, void decks, etc. people kill each other for stupid reasons.. urgh... life....

2004-10-27T22:17:00.000+08:00

iam dissapointed.. feeling down..feling restless with everything that happen for today. it feel sick..sad..failure....i have no grudges against anyone. but i understand how they feel now. i really do. and iam sorri. i wasnt what i am suppose to be. everything just fall apart. there were things that i was holding back. and i blew things up... iam sorry for loosing my temper. its done.. and it is sick..

2004-10-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

school was crazy.. but it was fun. a little bit of pissed and feelings of hatred.. plus a twist of understanding, commitment and love bringing all the group together and staying saint. yah saint. home for me now was a place to sleep, and to finish my werk. not for me to communicate with my family members nor to eat my break fast. since last wk i have been breaking fast in sch at the macdonalds with my frens due to my schedule. thank god i stil have the chance of breaking fast at home and spent sweet time with ma family and do my prayers. its making all of us crazy.. the only thing that keeps it going is love and fun... and plus we all here to learn and achieve a new experience.

going home with nana and zeke was crazy.. fun and hilarious. most of the time i was keeping to myself.. not laughing only smiling a little towards them. but its fun. atleast i can chill down abit before heading to my computer at home and finish up my opening and credits sequence or getting my props ready. i had to wax my hair today up and it was bloody hard for my sweet mtv director who ask me to be her guest appearence. but her turn was pushed to thursday. so my hair was not in use. aha. even my group had to pushed forward its scedule because of certain happenings that shall not elaborate. but patience is still there. kancheong.. ohh yah even my credits werent thanks to some people. so here iam saying this.. thank u to all dfv peeps, thanks to sweet AdiBah aka DIPZ for becoming my v.j and thanks to the lecturers.. okay.. but still its not my turn yet to become the DIRECTOR... its tommorow. so stil got time to chill and relax before the kancheong feeling comes again. guys stay chill always yah.. bye..

2004-10-21T21:06:00.000+08:00

the feeling of being a studio director for an hour, with ppl under ur command. i feel shiok..haha. its been days since i had a good sleep. i was wasting my night doing my work till morning. its been 3 days in a row since i slept on my bed. atleast i had some company from some people who is online in the wee morning. and yah its was catch up time for me. studio project is making everyone sick. with not enough sleeping, the virus has finally hit me. and i think iam the spreader of the the flu virus in my class. sory peeps. but nvm we are all cool. atleast stress is there when we are in the studio.. or atleast when we had to think of the the dy of film. afraid that problems will arise. the dry run rehearsel might be okay...but it wasnt finalise. and not yet confirm. u cant expect all of us to be expert in the studio on the first try right. it was loud and very this and there..attention need to be there. oklah.. back to my werk again. so guys c ya all. and stay chill alwaysz

2004-10-18T23:01:00.000+08:00

first day of studio project, i shall not elaborate. fasting season it is now. so no food during class. and i had to endure the sweet smelling of the people eating. and plus to avoid taking the food they provided. hahah yah.. watch abit of movie just now in class, "you got served" courtesy of Erwan. didnt manage to end the movie.. i went home with nana and im. its been along time since i last went home with nana. Im.. i dun think i have ever went home with him during my secondary sch days. everyone seems to be stressed out. freak with the studio project thats making everyone sick and turned life upside down. script for mtv vj and drama.. eeeyyaaahh this is so undescrible. yah.. plus opening for music video.. tonnes of werk all over again. so dudes.. take care.

2004-10-14T23:16:00.000+08:00

monday- rushing for mtv music video editing and dateline
-no sleep on monday night
tuesday-tv graphics
wednesday-dv talk
-web design
-no sleep on wednesday night
thursday- dateline for web design
-dateline at 2, hand up at 7pm
-finally a good night sleep

the feeling of satisfaction after finishing all the assignments done for the semester. The feeling of not sleeping. and turning into a zombie. The feeling of getting only less than an hour of sleep everyday and waking up from that sleep in a zombie mania. waking up without knowing anything. the feeling of loss, trying to find and answer. didnt sleep yesterday. had to chiong for my web design which was due today. And still by the time it is deadline, we still have not finish the stuff. no lunch..all were too busy with their work to even remember to eat. If they are hungry even, they would rather starf so as not to waste their time. right guys? but thank god, the assignments are finally done, just one more thing to pass up tomorow. the fasting month is tommorow and plus is the beginning of studio project. with this, it means that, i would not be breaking my fast at home some times due to my scedule. oklah peepss.. its been along time since i last slept on my bed. so gdnyte dudes and dudettes. jangan lupa puasa besok...

2004-10-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

iam biol.. i slept at 5 this morning after doing a whole night job of tv graphics which are making me sick. yah.. and i wasnt sastisfied with the product. so back to school at 8. were suppose to meet all of the them at 8 and instead i woke up at 8. and i was like. "huh".. that feeling.. that confusing feeling. one more thing happen to me. i had put my keys in my bag much earlier. but somehow i totally forget about it and ended up searching the whole house for the keys. and then i remembered after 1o minutes of searching, its in my bag. crazy right. yah.

2004-10-08T23:50:00.000+08:00

i feel like crying now. the tears, the pain, the anger, the stress.. everything in my heart. my work are not done. and its only in a few days time that i need to pass up the things. and iam seriously tired. theres no inspiration in me for now. i just do not know where to start. and its just too difficult. i need someone to lean on. to cry on. i had my laughs in school. the madness mania thats spreading in school like some virus. but to cry, no. The work that is suppose to be done by today, is postpone to sunday. all because of stupid reasons and carelessness that people doesnt want to admit. iam sick..and i really want to finish things. and i have been reaching home at 10. then, doing work till my eyes go dark. ..my world goes spinning. and the energy diminish. and yes i suddenly thought of you when u are no longer here. because u pushes me...fren, where are u now. where are u when i really need u. i miss u...i need to continue with my work. till we meet again. chioa.

2004-10-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

dont do something without passion. because for everything that you do or i do... passion is the only thing that will brings it alive. yah its true. dont waste ur future if u do not have the passion. dont do it for the sake of ur parents.. dont do it for the sake of future, money. although the future holds alot of things for you. but its different. why feel sick and bored for whole life when u can feel the enjoyment of doing what u love. and yes frens, i might be tired of this world, of the assignments but this tired with a little bit achivement and success brings a smile to my face. i wont give up and i iwill never give up. patience and your love, careness make me dun wan to give up. i might say that my time is so little because its occupied with assignments, project work. i might say iam neglecting all of you. and yes iam sorri. but this is my life. the life i had choosen. forgive me for being shellfish. and thanks for understanding me alot.

to you, my fren. i will support you for watever reasons as long its rational. and yes its true that theres no use pursuing the speciallisation if theres no interest in it. and yes i hope you do something u will love. but like you said..in the end the people we know didnt do what they were born to do. and i hope both of us will end up working in the line we love. take care.

work is nutting without passion... i will always love u all. and i promise that i will be ur fren like always.

2004-10-02T20:26:00.000+08:00

(for she)
i cant promise you that i will always be there. i cant promise you that i will always provide a listening ear. i cant promise you that u will always be on my mind. but one thing i could promise you i will always be your sister. for watever reasons that happen and it happen that you will go away from me.. u are my sister. we are in the same sch, but we seldom met. and everytime u wanna meet me, i am always either going home late or out shooting. iam sorri. i know u wanna quit. but why? issit because u have no interest in ur specs. or issit because u are already tired. if u are iam tired too sis. and evertyhing will finish in 2 years time. this is our life. our werk that takes too much time. sis, pls dun give up. if u do, i might as well give up too. we might as well push each other. why waste it when we already half way to success. pls dun give up..

(for him)
its been along time since i last saw u peeps. and when u do somehting for all of us to meet, i turn it down. its not that i dunnot want to meet u all. iam busy with my sch werk. yah, its easy for people out there to say that my course is good because theres no exam. but because theres no exam, i have to werk twice as hard not to fail any projects and assignments. iam really sorri. i have to turn u r offer down once again. i know u are so pissed off with my attitude. my kind of werk. noone will understand my life if only there are in the same kind of werk as me. iam so sorri. i know i have always making my sch werk more important than my frens that i forget that u guys were so patient with me. but i couldnt help myself. really. iam too tired, iam too stressfull with assignments that are never done. i know i shld talk to u in person, but u always say somehting else making me guilty. yes.. iam guilty fren. and i always have been. i just hope u peeps will understand. pls do, and i hope u guys will enjoy urself tommorow. iam really sorri that i couldnt make it. iam sorri peeps.

2004-09-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

25 web design page
FATE scriptwriting second draft
2 minute horror movie shoot
tv graphics
mtv music video shoot

this is all to remind me how much work i have to do in so little time..
this is madness. i shall go to mental hospital.. but before going there
which is quite near to my sch..
i rode on my brother's vespa as a pillion..
letting the breeze touch my face..it shall remind me of owning a
vespa or a scrambler or a bmw bike.. a car.. yeah.. other things on my mind..
a new specs to replace my broken one..n iam gonna print my own tshirt soon..
yeah..
getting back to this world again, iam going bonkers..but yet stil enjoying life.
is tommorow 29 sept or 1st oct? nvm that. yah guys and gals..my frens..
i love you guys so much...happy children day in advance to all the tua bangka kids..

2004-09-28T01:40:00.000+08:00

seluas lautan
sedalam rindu
seindah awan mewarnai langit
seindah hatiku tertulis namamu

drained...i couldnt do anything for now. all i could wish for is a bed to sleep on. not to think of all the works. yah..

getaran jiwa melanda hatiku
tersusun nada, irama dan lagu
walau hanya sederhana tetapi tak mengapa
moga dapat membangkitkan
sedarlah kamu wahai insan.. ( p ramlee..getaran jiwa)

lagu dan irama tak mungkin hilang bak angin lalu.

2004-09-25T21:57:00.000+08:00

my bro bought an italian vespa. and noone in the family really knew abt it till yesterday. shock. yah iam. and iam so supporting my bro decision to take up motor licence though my mum forbids it. And thank god my bro has gotten married and living with his wife somewhere. Its like he was giving so many hint and yet we couldnt really see it. First he asked my cousin about the helmet bag. and secondly that day when he called, he said he was a bukit gombak. i wish i could take up bike licence. if onli my parents allow.

Nutting really happen this wk. sch were as normal. onli that more assignments are due. on wk 14 i have to pass up scripwriting second draft and some film. on wk 15 i have to pass up tv graphics, mtv music video, web design and one last thing that i coudnt remember.

ohh yah i went out with my mum on wednesday. do alot of shopping mostly shoes. all belong to my mum lah. one vans shoe for me and 2 plain tshirts. yah. What else the next day on thursday, during lunch me, azza, erwan, elfa, zeke and nana were at macdonald to lepak for atleast an hour. ohh yah all the name above is about 2/3 of the malays in dmd year 2. there are 5 more malays. this show how small the malay community is in dmd. ohh yah we were slacking for awhile cause nana had to wait for me to get into the next class. so we were slacking and laughing and kekek like the old days. zeke ended up watching naruto on his laptop. while me and nana just continue to laugh. ohh yah i miss the old days sister. Nvm that. on Friday after sch we went to seranggon garden to film or mtv music video. we took about more that 2 hours to shoot less than 5 minutes footage. and ended up reaching home at 10 plus. okay gtg go back to writing. i will see u guys soon. till then chill always.. yah.

2004-09-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

the past forgotten. the future unveils.
i thank god for what had happen. its a nice feeling all over again. thanks alot.

so much have happen. so little times left. iam tired of school. done my film report on memento. And many more assignments like mtv shoot, web design on a certain website and other stuff. its been tiring. and my eyebags are getting deeper. Thank god my assignments are due in a couple wks time.

art.. and design. its a sad thing that for a moment art has not been supported in the society back then. someone says that a potrait is nice. but do they really appreciate it? Its a happy occasion as art has been accepted in the society now plus the government are going to built a art sch. thats sound nice.

ohh yah i have probelm in doing my blog at home. i cant even type any entry. so the only for me to write is in school. ahh.. iam still in sch doing my web design. its called a sick job. with atleast 25 pages of bloody irritating htmls. With your own graohics as background. Those painstaking moment by adding lines and adding color or sometimes accidentally deleting ur layers in photoshop. thank god they come up with a HIstory button. ahah yah. and the undo button also. Ctrl-Z. so guys till then. to my frens good luck in ur alevels and exams. i love u all. peace apun you..

2004-09-17T17:03:00.000+08:00

when the feelings are no longer right.. i do not know why..since yesterday, i felt a lumb in my heart. Its forcing me not to breathe. when a someone told u to shut up. you feel ur world temporarily shut off. Iam not strong enough to go against him. To shout as long as possible. istead it leaves greudges in my heart. he used to call me stupid. university student he is. who the hell is he to call me stupid and to shut up. he is in no place to do that.
Iam feeling all emotional now. tears tried to flow down my eyes. the pain. the jeolousy engulf my feelings when i read other ppls blog about their wonderful relationship. about love. i sound despo right now. i feel different when i listen to love songs or watch love dramas. or saw ppl cuddling with each other. its different. i wish to be love. i used to receive msges from him til he left the country. sad.. i miss his company. i miss his presence. that smile.. that laughter. a fren that i will miss for a time being till he comes back. yah. for love. its not in my heart. its nice to see my frens in a happy relationships. to hear abt their stories. its sweet.

2004-09-13T14:14:00.000+08:00

when a wife dies, the husdband cries one eye. But when a husband dies, a wife cries two eye. The reason? The husdband uses the other eye to find another wife. the wife cries 2 eyes instead of one because the wife still is sincere to the husdband though he is dead. this is life....it is might be factual.

2004-09-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

life has been fine. assignments has been great. that coming from me... iam not kidding. seriously. on tuesday i start doing on my anaylsis report on Eng Wah Web and slept at 6 plus in the morning the next day. Without no sleep. one shld as me, " are u serious abt not sleeping? doing werk while ppl enjoying their sleep. and you sleeping only when u start to hear the buses and vehicles zoom pass ur hdb. Siow" haha. on wednesday i decide not to sleep again. So i finish up with my werk till 3 plus in the morning and after doing a print job, iam Off to my fairyland sleep. Sweet. Today was a bore. didnt do much. attend web design class and was hoping for results of the first assignment. Boi, no no. so while the rest decide to stay in class durin break for web design class, i and a few others decide to have lunch at mac. hehehe.. Alot of talking..alot of crapping. Lame is the word but i couldnt deny, i love you guys.

One thing abt my class is that we have a tendency to look at some gals or guys around campus. Iam not lesbian nor bi. Its just a habit. So one of my classmate E (Names has been change to protect identities) looks around. and when he sees one great looking gal, he will ask me about it and a few others.. So we start to comment lah. Ah.. we do see lecturers too. oooOOhh. haha.. this is life.
I miss Nana.. i miss going home with zeke, hudah, and nana. i miss the kekek sessions we use to have. ohh yah not forgetting ridzwan and hairol, elfa.. i never went home with zool before.. so i dun think i miss going home with her. haha yah. last sem, we used to have alot of time to see each other and atleast have a talk. all our modules ended the same time. and yah nana ichan use to wait for my classes to end. haiz... she dun do that animore. its even difficult to see her in sch every wk.

i miss you guys... i miss my sec sch peeps too. i miss farin, ernie, nad, siti, nisa, my classmates, my malay class frens, my band, my saxophone. Gosh, i dun even think i could play any note animore.. its been 2 years since i last touch a saxophone. ohh yah, i miss my teachers, i miss ms rosnah, i miss mr adam, i miss cikgu hazis, i miss out mee soto session. i miss our outings to sungei buloh and lepaking after that. i miss going home with nisa, khai, farin, charles. ohh yah charles! where have u been? i suddenly thought of u today. i miss my juniours. i miss the time where they actually comes up to u and salam and kiss my hand. haha. cute days. i miss dnt. i miss cutting wood on the cutting machine and talk to mdm hamidah, mr mansur. i miss doing coursework. i miss filing and putting chloroform to glue pieces together. i miss asking guys for help during dnt. i miss the tools, iam missing every little tiny things on earth. i miss u too, i miss the camp. okie enough missing everything. i wish i had a better secondary sch life. did i mention i miss running into the parade square by the back when we come in late. And there stood MR adam at the flag pole saying " walk sommore, walk sommore" haha..or "Get this in ur thick skull" or i dun remember animore... guys cherish everything that happens. cause someday, you will think back and miss those days. i am missing it right now.

2004-09-08T16:13:00.001+08:00

scrumptious indian delight

2004-09-08T16:13:00.000+08:00

lonely soul

2004-09-08T16:12:00.002+08:00

generations divide

2004-09-08T16:12:00.001+08:00

a pic from the past?

2004-09-08T16:12:00.000+08:00

stretch rubbish along east coast coastline

2004-09-08T16:11:00.002+08:00

sunset over at beach road..

2004-09-08T16:11:00.001+08:00

nippon pain advertisement?

2004-09-08T16:11:00.000+08:00

pink as it seems

2004-09-08T16:10:00.001+08:00

beautiful colors of shophouses

2004-09-08T16:10:00.000+08:00

black and white..i like

2004-09-08T16:09:00.002+08:00

black and white..i like

2004-09-08T16:09:00.001+08:00

space around

2004-09-08T16:09:00.000+08:00

cousins..cute eh

2004-09-08T16:08:00.000+08:00

old building at bugis